Life Gets Better When You Stop Keeping Score

 

Relationships aren't math problems.

At least, they shouldn't be.

But sometimes we treat them that way.

I texted them last, so now it's their turn.

I drove last time, so they're driving this time.

I bought dinner last time.

I've invited them out three times, and they've only invited me twice.

I remembered their birthday, but they forgot mine.

I spent more money on their Christmas gift than they spent on mine.

At some point, you have to ask yourself a question.

Are you in a relationship with this person, or are you keeping their books?

Because life gets a whole lot easier when you stop keeping score.

I think one of the biggest mistakes we make with relationships is assuming everything has to be perfectly equal at all times.

It doesn't.

Healthy relationships aren't necessarily equal at every individual moment.

They're reciprocal over time.

There's a big difference.

We love to talk about relationships being "50/50."

Sometimes they are.

Sometimes they're 80/20.

Sometimes they're 90/10.

Sometimes you're going to have to carry almost the entire load for a little while.

Life happens.

Maybe your friend is going through a divorce.

Maybe someone lost their job.

Maybe they're grieving.

Maybe they're struggling financially.

Maybe they're simply overwhelmed and don't have much left in the tank.

Maybe life is happening to them too.

There are going to be times when someone you care about needs more from you than they're capable of giving back.

That's okay.

Because eventually, you might be the one who needs them.

Imagine supporting your friend through the worst six months of their life and keeping track of every single thing you did for them.

"I listened to you complain about your ex for 73 hours, so technically you still owe me another 14."

That's ridiculous.

That's not friendship.

That's accounting.

When I do something for someone I care about, I don't want that person walking away thinking they now have a debt that needs to be repaid.

If I buy you dinner because I want to buy you dinner, you don't owe me dinner.

I bought you dinner because I wanted to buy you dinner.

No strings attached.

Maybe you'll grab the next one.

Maybe you won't.

Maybe six months from now you'll help me with something that has absolutely nothing to do with money.

That's how relationships work.

Or at least, that's how I think they should work.

There is a huge difference between saying:

"I'm doing this because I care about you."

And saying:

"I'm doing this because now you'll owe me."

The second one isn't really generosity.

It's an unspoken loan.

And the other person didn't even know they were borrowing anything.

The problem with keeping score is that once you start looking for an imbalance, you're probably going to find one.

I called first.

I drove farther.

I stayed longer.

I spent more.

I helped them more.

I made the plans.

I checked in first.

But relationships aren't built using one universal currency.

Maybe you're usually the one who drives, but they're the person who will answer the phone at two in the morning.

Maybe you're the one who makes most of the plans, but they're always the first person to show up when you need help.

Maybe you spend more money on gifts, but they give you more of their time.

Maybe you're better at checking in, but they're better at listening when something is actually wrong.

I have friends I've known for decades. 

There have been times when I've done more of "X" and times when they've done more of "Y." 

I couldn't possibly tally everything we've done for each other over all those years, nor would I want to.

Not everything valuable can be measured using the same currency.

But trust me when I tell you, in a healthy friendship, you won't need to keep score to know it's balanced.

That's why reducing a relationship to individual transactions can make you completely miss what the other person is actually bringing into your life.

I know each and every one of my friends by what they choose to do on their own, not by what I might be able to "do for them."

Now, there's an important distinction here.

Stopping the scorekeeping does not mean allowing people to take advantage of you.

There's a difference between saying:

"I paid for lunch twice and they've only paid once."

And realizing:

"Wait a minute. I'm always the one calling. I'm always making the plans. I'm always driving. I'm always helping. I'm always checking in. And whenever I need something, this person is nowhere to be found."

That's not keeping score.

That's recognizing a pattern.

And patterns matter.

You don't need to maintain a spreadsheet in your head to recognize when a relationship has become completely one-sided.

If someone constantly takes and never gives, eventually you're going to notice.

If someone only calls when they need something, eventually you're going to notice.

If someone disappears every time you're the one who needs support, eventually you're going to notice.

Having boundaries isn't the same thing as keeping score.

You can be generous without being a doormat.

You can give people grace without giving them unlimited opportunities to take advantage of you.

You can understand that someone is going through a difficult season while also recognizing when "a difficult season" has turned into the permanent nature of your relationship.

The difference is whether you're judging individual transactions or looking at the overall pattern.

And I think that's where a lot of unnecessary resentment comes from.

Sometimes we become so focused on making sure everything is perfectly fair that we forget to ask whether we're actually happy.

If you have a friend who has been there for you for twenty years, does it really matter who bought lunch last Tuesday?

If someone has answered the phone every time you've genuinely needed them, does it really matter that you're usually the one who sends the first text?

If you know without hesitation that someone would drop what they're doing and help you when it actually mattered, do you really need to count how many favors you've done for each other?

Probably not.

Because the best relationships aren't 50/50 every single day.

They're 60/40.

They're 30/70.

They're 90/10.

And then someday, when life changes, those numbers flip.

Nobody sends an invoice.

Nobody pulls out the receipts.

Nobody says, "Remember that time I helped you ten years ago? You still owe me."

You just show up for each other.

That's the part that matters.

I've reached a point where I'd much rather judge the relationships in my life by their patterns than by their transactions.

I don't need everything to be perfectly equal.

I don't need every favor returned.

I don't need every dollar accounted for.

I don't need to win some imaginary competition over who has done more for whom.

I just need to know that the people I care about care about me too.

Over enough time, you'll know.

You won't need a scoreboard to tell you.

So buy your friend lunch.

Send the first text.

Make the plans.

Drive this time even though you drove last time.

Help someone because you want to help them.

Be generous because you want to be generous.

And when somebody you care about needs 80% from you because they only have 20% to give, give it to them if you can.

Because someday you might only have 20%.

And hopefully, you'll have someone in your life who isn't standing there with a calculator.

Relationships aren't supposed to be perfectly balanced every moment.

They're supposed to be reciprocal over time.

Stop measuring every transaction.

Pay attention to the pattern.

And if the pattern is good?

Put the scoreboard away.

As always, thanks for reading this!

Until next week!